Confessions

I confess that I never did get around to reading the book mentioned in the last post. I probably will, but I haven't yet. I found something else-something that I have found to be very valuable.

Several years ago, I bought a book that I completely forgot about. When I was organizing and sorting through books to donate (this process of sorting and donating in hopes of creating order out of the chaos of two combined homes STILL takes up many hours a week) I came across this book again. It is a book of meditations on elderly parents.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I am a recovering alcoholic.This will probably come up periodically here, but hopefully not often. There are things that I have learned through work I have put into my recovery so far, things that help me stay sober and to deal with life. In my past life, I drank to deal with my emotions. Anger, disappointment in myself and others, frustration and resentment mostly. I also drank to deal with happy feelings-but those were the good days, the days when the drinking led to laughing and not the throwing of household objects. I needed help- so I got help. Anyone who has been through a good rehab program will tell you that the power of meditation and prayer are incredibly important to their recovery. While I still struggle with prayer and defining a higher power, I do meditate daily.

Meditation is one of those nebulous things that seems to look and be different for everyone. I am a beginner, so I stand in awe of those who are able to discipline themselves to successful meditation. For me, one good meditation can be followed by a seemingly endless string of days that feel like meditative failure-an inability to keep my mind focused, with my thoughts wandering from garbage day to mundane events that took place two decades ago. I keep trying though, because in those days that I am able to focus my thoughts- I find tremendous solace.  It's totally worth waiting for.

Using guided meditation to contemplate  my position as a caregiver has helped me deal with my father's aging with a much better attitude, and for that I am grateful. I would take that further even and say that I am grateful for BEING grateful, for I know that when I move from an attitude of resentment to gratefulness, I am moving out of my own head and into the world again at a healthy level. In these times I can breathe a sigh of relief and know that for that moment I am where I need to be.